Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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