WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
