Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
