I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The best revenge is premature balding
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
