I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
