I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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