Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
