I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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