so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
