i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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