On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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