Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
