Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
