The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
