$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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