Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He better not be in your backpack
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
