I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm at about main and main street
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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