Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
