I wish they made helmets for livers.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This is the high leading the old right now
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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