I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Randomize
