So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
