im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
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I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
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I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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