Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
