Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I puked a lego.
I could make wine with my vomit
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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