I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Randomize
