You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
