don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
