I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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