Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
