Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
