Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
