If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
