The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
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i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
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Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers