dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
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well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
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I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.