we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Randomize
