Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
