D3 body, D1 cock
Your mouth is God's brothel.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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