My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
