Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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