think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
