Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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