I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
