i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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