gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
