My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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