Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
