Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
