im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
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