Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
