i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
