Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
