I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
