I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
