Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
